The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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