I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think my vagina is haunted
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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