If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
