My underwear smells like fireworks.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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