Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
