someone threw a dead crab at me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
