I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
