doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
