oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
