so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
