I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
