You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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