I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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