my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
