Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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