Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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