i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
