I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she looked like the before picture.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
