You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
