When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's never too late to be topless.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I believe in your delicious
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
