did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
