I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
