he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
