Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have tasted many bathrooms
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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