Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
