every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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