Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
