I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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