I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
