I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
