if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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