I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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