I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
