I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
