OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
