I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
