i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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