mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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