im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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