How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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