Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
