I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
