I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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