The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
