I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
