Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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