I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
