it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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