You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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