I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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