Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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