they need to just BURY HIM!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
