Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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