I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
