we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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