I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
