Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
