Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
